Oh, I am dizzy from the never ending torment of chasing my own tail around and around and around. I feel deflated, not for any particular reason, but more so because I need a reason not to be.
Why spirituality? Why demand that existence be meaningful? Because it just feels so much better that way! For who? For me!
Yes, this is a self-emptying textual gesture. I am trying to get it all out on the table, trying to describe exactly what it is that has been eating me from the inside out. Will naming the monster remove it from my mind?
There are so many desires buzzing around in there (my mind)… I don’t even know which one to focus on first. I desire a more fulfilling social life. I desire a deep relationship with a significant other; I want to fall in love. I desire a clear career path, something I can devote my time and energy to without doubting myself, without second guessing my commitment to the cause. I desire real meaning, something I am growing increasingly unable to distill from the cloudy shit storm raging around me. And I’m not blaming others, not saying everyone else is the problem. I’m saying the world is growing increasingly unreal. It becomes harder every day to believe anything. It all seems to disappoint after further investigation. Endless surfaces, shiny packagings offering total fulfillment. But then you unwrap them and nothing is inside. Just more emptiness.
I’ve reached a point where I feel like I’ve heard it all before. I want help, yet I know I can only help myself. What a conundrum.
I could easily write another spiritual poem or feel good declaration of the ongoing awakening of consciousness, but it’d be a cover up, another fancy wrapper around a hollow core.
The core is hollow, there is no ego here. Suffering is an illusion created by attachment to something that doesn’t exist. Yes, I’ve read it all in many different words, written it all in many more. But still the experience of life does not seem to change. Time for a new approach? I’m open to suggestions.